Star Wars Episode 7

DISCLAIMER: This fanfic is purely for comedic purposes. It is not to be taken seriously in any way, shape or form. Also, neither me nor my friend own Star Wars. If we did, Leia would still have her hair-buns.

Star Wars: Episode 7… yeah, right.

Okay, so we all know that… Y'know, how about we
just skip the intro and get right to the movie. Just remember
that this isn't supposed to be a real movie, as
much as you would like it to be. Sorry!

The "movie" opens with Luke, Leia, and Han on Tatooine. In front of them is Jabba the Hutt's palace.

Leia: (angrily) I can't believe you wanted to come HERE!

Han: Well, Luke does have a point. There COULD be survivors.

Leia: And if there aren't?

Luke: Y'know, I never thought about that.

(The screen pans left to reveal a shadowy figure, which looks a bit like a Twilek. Nobody notices.)

Han: Well, this would be a nice place to get married… (Looks at Leia)

Leia: Okay, as long as there's chocolate-covered strawberries. You know how much I love those.

Han: And Indiana Jones! We gotta invite him!

Luke: Got it. By the way, Han, who's Indiana Jones?

Han: …

Leia: Never mind. See anything?

Both: No.

(They leave.)

(The scene switches to a fancy hotel.)

Han: Four rooms, please!

Leia: Four?

Han: Yeah. You, Luke, Chewie, and me!

Luke: Ah. Good point.

(The same shadowy figure from earlier is behind them, but they don't notice.)

(The scene switches to Luke's room. He is sleeping. Suddenly, Imperial troops come in.)

Stormtrooper1: Are you sure this will work?

Stormtrooper2: Of course it will! These binders are Force-resistant!

Stormtrooper1: Meaning?

Stormtrooper2: Umm…

Imperial Officer: They can even hold a Jedi!

Both: Cool!

(They handcuff Luke and take him away.)

(The next day…)

Leia: Where's Luke?

Han: He was right here yesterday!

Chewie: Roar! (Earth to Han! Why didn't you check on him?)

Han: Well how was I supposed to know he would be missing?

Leia: What matters is, where is he now?

?: I can answer that!

(The shadowy figure reveals herself to be…)

Han: Oola? How'd you get here? I thought you were dead!

Oola: I escaped from the rancor by hiding in a vent and beat it up karate-style!

Han: Cool!

Leia: So you said you know where Luke is?

Oola: Yep! He's been captured by the Empire.

Everyone: WHAT?

(The scene switches to an Imperial prison. Luke is in one of the cells. Soon, he wakes up and looks around.)

Luke: Please tell me I'm dreaming…

(He pinches himself and wakes up, only to find out his dream is reality.)

Luke: Oookay… that was weird.

(He tries opening his binders, but fails.)

Luke: Crud! They're Force-resistant! And even worse, I'm still handcuffed…

(A Stormtrooper kicks down the door.)

Stormtrooper: It's a-me! Mario!

Luke: …

Stormtrooper: Just kidding! Anyway, our commander wants to see you.

(The Stormtrooper grabs Luke and leads him to another room. A sign on the door reads, 'Torture Chamber'.)

Luke: Great. Being captured by the Empire in my sleep is humiliating, but of ALL the Imperials, it had to be you!

(It's Commander Igar from Return of the Jedi! The guy that brought Luke to Vader. End of explanation.)

Igar: Tell me about it. I said the other one, you nitwits! Oh well. At least now I get revenge!

Luke: (sarcastically) Oh, good. What do you want from me?

(Dramatic music plays.)

Igar: Your…pocket change!

Luke: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Stormtrooper: Pocket change? I'm the dumb one and I think pocket change is overrated.

Igar: Yeah, but isn't it great?

Stormtrooper: …No comment. Any way, now we'll torture you!

Igar: (laughing) There are worse things then death awaiting you, rebel.

Luke: Yeah? Like what?

Igar: This!

(The iron door slams shut with a dramatic BANG. After 2 seconds, the door opens again.)

Luke: Can I go to the bathroom?

Igar: Sure!

Luke: Thanks!

(Luke leaves the room. 3 hours pass.)

Igar: I don't think he's coming back…

Stormtrooper: I have to go. Hang on.

(The Stormtrooper walks into the bathroom.)

Stormtrooper: Come on! You've been in there for 3 hours! That's it! I'm coming in!

(He kicks the door open. No one's there.)

Stormtrooper: Yay!

(Luke is quietly leaving the room. He's about to escape when he runs into some stormtroopers.)

Stormtrooper: Freeze!

Luke: Darn it!

(They take him back to the torturing room.)

Igar: Anyway, now I'll torture you!

Luke: What do you really want?

(The commander grabs Luke's hair and backhands him. Really hard. Luke groans in pain.)

Igar: I want to see you writhe in pain, Skywalker. I want you to beg for mercy. I want you to dance in front of millions of people in your underwear. And then I want you to die!

(Luke struggles with his binders.)

Igar: (laughs) What's the matter? Handcuffs too tight?

(He fastens them even tighter! Luke winces.)

Igar: And now to kill you!

(He slowly takes out a knife…)

As this was happening…

Leia: There it is!

Han: There what is?

Oola: Where Luke's being held, silly!

Han: Oh. ;;

Leia: Let's go in!

Han: Let's NOT go in!

Chewie: Roar! (Don't you wanna save him?)

Han: Yeah, but we can't just waltz into a garrison full of troops!

Oola: We're not gonna waltz in, we're gonna walk in!

Han: Oh. Well in that case…

(Leia gets a Force-vision of Igar punching Luke. She winces.)

Chewie: Roar! (What's wrong, Leia?)

Han: What's wrong?

Leia: It's Luke. He's in pain! Commander Igar just grabbed his hair and backhanded him really hard!

Oola: I hope his hair's okay.

Han: That doesn't sound good, Leia. Can you see what's happening now?

Leia: Now he's making Luke's binders even tighter…OHMIGOSH, he's pulling out a knife!

Oola: WHAT?

Han: LET'S GO!


hjn

/ My cat typed that.

(They all rush in…and promptly get surrounded by troops.)

Han: This was YOUR idea, Oola.

Oola: Oops. Sorry. ;;

Leia: SORRY? Now we got captured and Luke's gonna die!

Mysterious Voice That Sounds Suspiciously Like Han: NOT IF I CAN HELP IT!

(The Star Wars theme starts playing backwards. A weird guy in a Fedora who looks like Han beats all the troops up.)

Han: SEE? I TOLD you it was a good idea to invite Indiana Jones!

Leia: Whatever. Now let's go and rescue Luke!

(Cool music plays as they bust through a series of doors.)

Oola: This must be the door!

Indiana Jones: How do you know?

Oola: It's the only one left.

Leia: Come on!

(She charges at it…and crashes into it cause it's locked.)

Leia: Ow.

Indy: We gotta open the door! But HOW?

(After a few hours of arguing over who's going to pick the lock, Chewie breaks down the door.)

Indy: Uhh… thank you?

Igar: Go away! I'm busy!

Leia: But I'm your mom!

Igar: Oh. Sorry, Mom.

(He lets them in, then goes back to Luke. The young Jedi's lightsaber is lying just out of reach.)

Luke: Must… get… saber!

Igar: Now as I was saying, now I'll kill you!

(He grabs Luke's hair and places the knife near his neck. Then he tosses it aside.)

Igar: I changed my mind, I'll have more satisfaction in killing you hand-to-hand!

Oola: So… armwrestle tournament?

(Oola winks at Luke. He nods, understanding what she means.)

Igar: Actually, I was thinking something more in the "boxing" family… But I like your idea better!

(He grabs Luke's arm and pins it in an instant on account of Luke's binders.)

Oola: Hey! That's not fair! He's bound!

(Igar looks at Luke, then at Oola.)

Igar: Hmmm…. I suppose you're right.

(He unlocks the binders. Chaos ensues. This somehow involves Luke totally kicking Igar's butt.)

Igar: Oops.

(Oola strokes Luke's hair.)

Oola: Oh, good! Your hair's fine!

Luke: Wish I could say the same for my jaw…

(He rubs it.)

Leia: Oooh! That Igar! Here!

(She gives the Imperial a good, swift kick in the skull.)

Igar: You're not really my mom, are you?

Leia: No.

Igar: I didn't think so.

(As everyone is crowding around Luke, Igar casually grabs a blaster.)

Igar: (firing blaster) Die, Skywalker!

(The blaster bolt zooms towards him…)

DUN DUN DUUUUUN!

(… and misses, though it singes his hair a bit.)

Luke: MY HAIR!

Oola: Sniff… WAAAAHHHH! Oh, you're a very bad man!

(Luke and Oola start beating Igar up. Chewie, Han, Leia, and Indy's jaws drop and their eyes bug out. This continues for ten minutes or so.)

Igar: Ow…

Leia: Are you alright?

Igar: No.

Leia: Good! But I was really talking to Luke.

Luke: I'm alright.

Oola: YAY!

(Oola hugs Luke. But unbeknownst to our heroes but knownst to Igar, stormtroopers have come in, helped their commander up, and surrounded everyone.)

Igar: (snatching Luke's lightsaber from him) Alright! Everyone up against that wall!

Han: What wall?

Igar: The one you're next to.

Han: Oh.

(So they all line up against the wall they're next to.)

Igar: Bind them.

(The troops bind everyone but Luke, giving Igar the last pair of binders. The commander fastens Luke's wrists together, making the cuffs as tight as possible. He ignites Luke's lightsaber.)

Igar: Eep! I thought this was a flashlight!

Luke: Idiot.

Igar: So what is it?

Luke: It's a lightsaber! It can cut through anything except other lightsabers—

(Igar grins.)

Luke:…Oops.

Igar: Idiot.

(The Imperial places the saber near Luke's neck. Dramatic music plays.)

Igar: Any last words?

Luke: I'm so stupid.

(Leia closes her eyes and goes into a trance. Suddenly, just as Igar is about to kill him, the credits roll!)

Igar: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Igar throws the saber down in anger and stomps away. The credits stop rolling.)

Indy: Nice work, Leia!

(Leia grins and uses the Force to make the credits scroll back down.)

Leia: Hehe. You're welcome!

(Cut to Han and Leia getting married. Cuteness. )

Chewie: Roar! (You may now kiss the bride!)

Han: Ok!

(They kiss, then the credits start rolling. For reals this time.)

THE END!

SPECIAL THANKS: First off, I owe about 49 percent of the credit to Lalalei and two to my cat, Tootsie, who helped me write this. Secondly, I would like to thank George Lucas. Without you, none of this would be possible. And last but not least, I'd like to thank Lego Luke Skywalker. For... well, for just being you! I love you the most, Lego Luke Skywalker!

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